Thanks for dinner, kids. You're the best and I love you very much.
Seng Lim and Nga Jee are back, Jules since mid-January, Nga since late April, and you see what happens. When they are here, I don't write about them. There are comic ways of saying this-- they suck all the air out of the room; and psychological ones-- their presence consumes me; and philosophical ones-- where do I end and they begin?
But the fact is that when they are here I don't need to think about our relationship, as I am now simply living it daily. Separation from them as adults feels like it was less traumatic than connection to them as infants, although I think they will tell you differently; their perception of it is different. They are creating themselves without me. I am simply remembering who I was for the 30 years before they arrived. When they were babies they were suddenly the two most important people in the world, and yet they were the ones who knew absolutely nothing about who I was, but merely knew who they needed me to be.
I used to say that they saved my life. My periodic wrenching melancholy might have killed me if I hadn't had these helpless dependents, and I used to fear their leaving; that without their need my melancholy would win. But in reality, their need has not disappeared or diminished, it has simply changed. Right now I think we are still finding out way through this changing relationship, but it's intriguing enough that I guess I'll stick around and find out where it goes.