Wednesday, March 23, 2016

On 30

Today my son is 30.

At 30, there is no hiding from the idea that you're an adult, that the torch has been passed. It's the last "interior" milestone. Subsequent age milestones are exterior, relative-- a co-worker who doesn't have personal recollection of a significant historical marker outside of history books, a president your age, a president younger than you.

Your oldest child turning 30.

It's not a Chinese milestone. The Chinese acknowledge just three birthdays: 1, 10, and 60. The ones in between are just time you spend figuring it all out.

Seng started trying to figure it out before he was even born, dipping a toe in and pulling it back. After four false labor starts, the goddess took things into her own hands and broke my water. It still took him almost a day to get going.

Once here, he still wasn't convinced it was a good idea. He cried for 5 months. And then that was it. He pretty much had it figured out by the time he was 10. You never met a sweeter toddler. He's spent the subsequent years as a cautious and sweet-hearted child, youth, and man.

At 30 you are who you are. I wish I had realized this when I was 30. Of course, when I was 30, I became a mother, which throws everything you knew about yourself into chaos.

What is Seng like, or more to the point, what does he think he is like? A little cautious, with an unconventional view of ambition that means he wants to do what he wants to do. This might make him famous, or rich, but if it doesn't that's okay. He's loyal and loving, but now finds himself navigating this idea that love and loyalty might not work the way he thought they worked.

I don't mean to be sad on his birthday. All my children's milestones make me sad these days. It's hard to know if that's because it's so bittersweet for your children to grow up, or because he'll be reaching new milestones with a family he's trying to figure out all over again.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

On grieving

Grief is a selfish emotion.

My grief for Jack Kearney is so interwoven with my grief for my marriage, for my mother.

It's tinged with guilt because I was not able to be there for Jack, due largely to the nature of illness, but also to the paralysis that serious illness imparts on the well. It's tinged with guilt because of my envy for his family, whom I also love. It's tinged with guilt because some of that love is pride.

Grief brings out your flaws.

The Kearneys treat me as much like family as one can do for someone who is not the family. But here I'm the outsider, the uncomfortable one whom they want to accommodate, except in this most family of times, I don't belong.

Grief should be shared.

The fact that I can't share it makes it feel false and self-indulgent. It adds a tinge of anger, not the typical anger at the loved one for dying, but at my loved one who isn't here to make my grief a public thing.

Who am I

I have four names.

Sandy. Xan. Alex. Alexandra.

I can tell how people know me by what they call me.

Sandy is the child. I was not supposed to have a nickname. The story is when my mother saw me, she said that I was so small it seemed awful to hang such a long and grand name on me. My grandmother was horrified. "Why would you name a child after a dog!?" (Sandy is the name of Little Orphan Annie's dog). I was Sandy from birth until I was 17.  I really think having this name warped me, because I was never much of a Sandy. Sandy is fun and cute and compliant. Sandy's pretty mainstream. She dreams about her wedding and gets a degree in English.

Xan, ironically, is the name my mother always called me. I look at it now and I don't recognize myself in it, even though it's the name I used the longest.  I tried to change from Sandy when we moved to Illinois when I was 14, but my brother sabotaged the effort by telling everyone I was lying; my name was Sandy. Meantime, he changed his use-name from Andrew to Drew. When I got to college, without him, I left Sandy behind. There are still people I'm fairly close to who never knew she existed. Xan fits me well- hard to pronounce, absolutely unique, short and difficult. But Xan is part of Bill, which makes it tough.

Alex came about when I tried to have an art career. Sick of explaining "Xan" and unable to get a hearing as Alexandra, I masculinized it. Presto- art career. That's another whole blog, right there. Only one person still calls me Alex. Alex did not make much of an impact on the world.

Alexandra is what my father always called me. It's interesting that they gave me this nickname, Sandy, which never really suited me, but then didn't use it themselves except in public. I brought it back because Xan felt like "Bill and Xan"-- in a way she doesn't exist without him. So I killed her. I chose the name I was born with, who I was never allowed by the world to be.

I wonder who she is?

Friday, February 12, 2016

Raggedy Ann

The last time I was single, I was 19 years old.

I look at that number and can't make it real. I don't know how to wrap my head around the different person I was. At 19 I lived in 4 rooms and slept on a mattress on the floor. Everything I owned was a hand-me-down. The only things that I own now that I also owned then are Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy.

When a marriage lasts as long as mine did–and I'm going to count the 9 years we were together before we got married–one really does cleave unto the other. You become one flesh, from sheer attrition. A long marriage is a unit, Plato's half-spirits joined.

It isn't that from the start. At the start it's just an experiment: sex and a fight over whether it matters that you never screw the toothpaste cap back on, or make the bed. At ten years it's a really long date. At 20 it's comfort. At 40 years you don't exist without the other. I don't mean that in a bad way, or that one personality is subsumed into the other. It's that the shared experience is of such long duration that it becomes a single memory. It's marital Alzheimers-- half my memory is gone.

Raggedy Ann has been sitting on my shelf for almost 60 years, but Raggedy Andy had gone missing. While I was spring cleaning the house this year I found him. They sit on my shelf, together again like they were when I was 19.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Thanksgiving Post

This year, the kids did Thanksgiving.

My guess is that it will be one of those markers for them-- the year they did a grown-up thing, making Thanksgiving dinner for the family. For me, that was making a dentist appointment without prompting. Which is pretty funny, since I was dumped head first into "grown up" at 22 when my mother died. Somehow getting an apartment, cooking Thanksgiving, moving to the big city, didn't register as grown up. But making a dentist appointment was a grown-up thing to do.

The kids potlucked it, like normal people. My sister-in-law, many years ago and against SOP, decreed that the host family had to cook the whole meal. This was not something we had ever done, but suddenly it was the correct "etiquette". She does this sometimes-- decides we're the royal family and have to follow entirely invented rules of proper behavior.

But the kids broke past this, because they don't have the equipment or cooking skill to make an entire meal; in fact, when they expressed amazement at the amount of work it was just to make a turkey, stuffing, and potatoes, I pointed out that I used to make the entire meal by myself. They were suitably contrite.

They did a great job--turkey was moist and delicious, side dishes were appropriate and traditional (brought by me), dessert was amazing (brought by SIL). Nga's new boyfriend fit in nicely. Seng's girlfriend was at her parents, but there were hints of them hosting next year.

Wei did not come. He wanted to bring Sparky. Kids said no, so he took his ball and went home.

Which is what it felt like. Selfish, narcissistic, dense.

Here's what I thought at the time: Sparky was about to be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time, and he didn't feel right about having dinner with the family that won't accept her. The problem is we are really nice people; we might have relented if we'd known the story. I wonder what the pressure on me would have been, if he'd just told them, or me, this-- she's going to be alone, please don't make me choose.

Here's what I think now, after a long conversation with him the day before the divorce decree went through: he thinks it's unfair that he has to always be "tripping over his ex" (direct quote) at family events. He thinks I'm not a family member anymore.

It wasn't about him choosing at all. It was about me just getting out of his way. It was about the family letting him have his way.

Based on our history, I'm afraid that in the end, he will.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Things I learned from Jack

How to walk on stilts (well, to be honest, he tried to get me on the stilts, but I never got up the courage)

If you want it, build it. (Code? What code?)

Being an artist is not about how many museums you are in, or how fashionable you are, or what the reviews say. Being an artist is about getting up every day and making art.

Workshop food won't kill you.

Never throw anything away.  (That one might have come from Lynn)

Jill went to Harvard.

Where to send my kids to grade school.

War stories.

Some people are just born with a beautiful soul.

To do with your life what you want to do.

To pass the gift along.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The neat nest

I'm neat.

As in, I put things away.

It wasn't always so. In grade school they used to call me Templeton, after the pack rat in Charlotte's Web. My mother was the inventor of the rule "there must be a clear path to the door in case of fire" which I passed on to my children. When I would drop stuff willy-nilly wherever I happened to be standing, I'd tell her I was leaving little reminders of myself. To which she replied, "you're just afraid we'll forget you if you don't leave your crap all over."

Ah, the wisdom of mothers.

Mom was not too far off-- now that I have no one I need to remind of my existence I find things go where they belong as soon as I'm done with them. It's effortless, really. Cleaning becomes actually cleaning, not just putting stuff away.