There is a small stone slipped into the lock in the upstairs bathroom door. When I spotted it I had an immediate image of some small child realizing that the tiny rock in her or his hand was just the right size to slip into the hole. Except that I couldn't imagine which child it was, she or he must have been small -3 or 4 or 5? and I can see that moment of revelation-- hole equals rock; and empowerment-- I can put the rock in the hole; and then realization of the new problem-- the rock went in the hole and now it won't come out. Is this bad? Solution? Don't tell mom.
I found it yesterday. It has probably been there for 12 or 15 years. They leave, but their ghosts linger.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Being in two places at once
For a parent, being in two places at once is an acquired skill. When the child is small, you don't need it, because she's always with you. But sprouts have a funny way of flowering and asserting their independence and separateness, and pretty soon you need to be the spirit companion of the 8-year old going to the corner store, and then of the 11-year old on a sleep over and then the 13-year old on a class trip out of state. And then the 16-year old driver. And then they really leave.
The trick to dual locality is to learn what the offspring are doing without seeming to imply that you either have a right to know or that you're trying to control the activity. Cautious questioning, occasional visits, and expert between-the-lines reading are required, coupled with a healthy ability to visualize. It's hard to visualize Julian, because mostly what I seem to conjure is him unconscious well past noon. Perhaps because he is in a "safe" environment--small college town--and what he is doing is "normal" I haven't felt the need to lock onto him. I don't need to visualize what I already understand.
Nga Jee on the other hand is tricky-- I mostly visualize her sailing off some western cliff in a hideous bus crash; not conducive to trust in your grown child, or for that matter to a good night's sleep. Four days tracking her on a daily basis in situ as it were has helped hugely. I understand what she's doing and who she's doing it with. I am awed by her ability to function in this demanding world. I think that for Julian, college has delayed this for me. Next year I will need to learn to visualize him from scant clues, as he starts in on a life on his own, in a way that college doesn't offer.
The trick to dual locality is to learn what the offspring are doing without seeming to imply that you either have a right to know or that you're trying to control the activity. Cautious questioning, occasional visits, and expert between-the-lines reading are required, coupled with a healthy ability to visualize. It's hard to visualize Julian, because mostly what I seem to conjure is him unconscious well past noon. Perhaps because he is in a "safe" environment--small college town--and what he is doing is "normal" I haven't felt the need to lock onto him. I don't need to visualize what I already understand.
Nga Jee on the other hand is tricky-- I mostly visualize her sailing off some western cliff in a hideous bus crash; not conducive to trust in your grown child, or for that matter to a good night's sleep. Four days tracking her on a daily basis in situ as it were has helped hugely. I understand what she's doing and who she's doing it with. I am awed by her ability to function in this demanding world. I think that for Julian, college has delayed this for me. Next year I will need to learn to visualize him from scant clues, as he starts in on a life on his own, in a way that college doesn't offer.
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